The Power of Friends

Sometimes I feel like I have the most active social life when I'm sitting at home alone on the 4th of July because the person I thought I had plans with told me otherwise with one days' notice.  Ever have that happen?  Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends, but when you have not much time it's hard to make much plan (yes, I know how that sounds). I decided to at least be a little productive and actually post at least twice in a single summer month!  Look at me being all wise with my time (I say after having just turned off Food Network following a three hour stint)!

To those who actually read and comment on things, that really helps me out a great deal.  Obviously if my goal is to write a musical, even if it never hits broadway, I want to at least know what people are thinking of the rough drafts I develop.  I still wish I could actually get some live recordings with vocals of some of this stuff so it's not all so lackluster, but c'est la vie ("La vie!" :))

Earlier in March I posted a rough draft of a song I named "Call Me" from this same musical Pride I've been working on.  I finally got around to playing around with some ideas for lyrics.  I mentioned in the original post that the song idea and melody came to me when I was half asleep, well that included lyrics as well.  Unfortunately even the next morning I forgot nearly all the lyrics that had come to my head.  They may not have even been that interesting anyway - I was half unconscious at the time, for crying out loud!  The only things that stuck were the first two lines of the chorus, which is why they repeat.  Keep in mind also that this is a rough draft, so don't be too harsh.

One thing I've noticed is that I'm not that good at creating stories (unless they're stories like Lewis Carroll would write, because I'm really good at nonsense stories - maybe one day I'll post "The Adventures of the Peach and the Apricot"), however I'm decent at satirizing my own life or reworking experiences I am highly familiar with.  Lyrics sort of follow the same suit.  This is one reason why it can be hard for me to share things because, when it comes to stuff for this show, it's automatically kind of personal.  I just want to help others out from the things that I've learned, and this song is meant to give the sort of advice I received from many great friends in my life.

When life hits us hard we often just see all the bad.
It leaves us so frightened, bitter, so angry and sad.
Sometimes when that hits
It's easy to give up,
To throw in the towel,
But, buddy, please don't shut me out.
I'm reaching out.

Call me, call me when the sun goes down.
Call me, call me when the lights go out.
I know you're feeling alone,
You're feeling lost and depressed,
Just know I'm here by your side
And that I'll never rest
To see you safely home.
No, you're not alone.

I've watched you so long, I've seen you have courage, be strong.
To see you like this, I have to admit - it seems wrong.
What happened to joy?
What happened to laughter?
Denying yourself,
Ignoring our pleas and our shouts,
Please just reach out.

Call me, call me when the sun goes down.
Call me, call me when the lights go out.
I know you're feeling alone,
But that's so far from what's real.
You have your friends by your side,
And if you'll just kneel
And ask Him for that peace,
You'll feel that happy release.

Call me, I'll be there by your side.
Never surrender.
Keep smiling through.
Call me.


These are a few pictures of some of my amazing friends who have given this sort of advice to me in the last couple of years.  Yes, I'm aware the pictures aren't the greatest, but I suppose that can also protect the identities of the innocent! :)

No More Secrets

Once there was a boy who grew up in a small town.  There was nothing particularly interesting or special about him, he was much like any other small town boy.  He was bright and his parents liked to think of him as the smartest in school.  He always tried his best to make his parents proud and accomplish everything they had ever dreamed for him.

He served a mission.  He started university.  He never really misbehaved and in many ways was the model of the ideal child.  His parents often told him how blessed they felt they were to have at least one child they never had to worry about.  In short, life had few complaints for their family.

Then something changed.  The boy was different, yet not different at all.  It was simply a new complication in life.  His personality didn't change.  He was as kind and considerate as ever.  As always, he worked to find every happiness in life for himself just as he was taught at home.  In fact his friends would say that even with this change he was the same person he had always been with much the same values he had grown up with.  At the same time he was now a complete disappointment to his parents.  Though nothing really altered everything was different.

He was once the pride of his parents but he was now their greatest secret.  They no longer wanted to hear the details of his life.  The new events in his life that made him the most happy were the very things his family didn't want to know about.  He wasn't a horrible person.  He never drank nor smoked, never dabbled in drugs.  To the outside observer he was the typical church going type.  However, his family simply didn't want to know him so closely anymore.

What was this secret?  Is it the most horrible tragedy that has ever befallen mankind?  Is it the world's worst path of life?  Some monster that must be tackled for any happiness to follow at all?  What secret could be so terrible and so scandalous that a family would turn their back on their son?  He was gay.

That's it.  The only part of his life that changed was that instead of dreaming of a girl to share his life with he dreamed of a man.  Every other solitary detail was exactly the same as when he was that innocent boy in the small town.  Sure, he now preferred the hustle of the city, but his heart would always be home.  But that was still enough for him to be cast away from his family.  By doing so he was forced to keep massive secrets from them.  So many things were moving forward for him, but they didn't care.  When he would muster up the courage to talk to them, they called his life "the beginning of an end" and cried tears of loss on his behalf.  He would then cry his own tears of loss at the thought of slowly losing those who were meant to show unconditional love.

He knew they didn't believe this was right, but he had always hoped they would at least try to accept him and support him in whatever ways they could.  Instead it seemed like the only answer would be to add distance, something he never wanted to do.

The only thing that kept him moving was his peace of mind.  For too many years he had struggled with these feelings and they had caused major depression and thoughts of suicide.  Now that he had chosen to deal with everything instead of ignoring it or lying he was at last truly happy.  He felt like himself, something he hadn't felt in a long time.

Something has changed within me, something is not the same,
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap. . .

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. . .

- Stephen Schwartz

No other words could really describe his feelings.  He didn't feel sorry for the things he had done, but only wished he could find some way to remain close to those he loved so dearly.  He had only ever told them about everything to avoid secrets.  He so desired an open relationship with his parents.  He never saw any reason why the lying had to continue.  But instead of creating honesty more secrets have arisen.  Secrets from mother to son, from brother to sister, between coworkers and friends.  A web of secrecy is now spread over the family.

Regardless, he moves forward.  He wants to change others' perception of who and what he is and what the real pain of homosexuality is.  Each day is new, full of hope and he never looks back.  He has never been happier in his life and only wishes to share his story and experiences with others to help them understand that some people can't do what others have done and stay happy.  Normal marriage isn't a viable option, neither is celibacy.  But he wants the world to understand that no one option is right for every person and to let others in his situation know that it gets better and that they are far from alone.  Take pride in your life and know that, so long as you can still feel God's love for you, that can be the only one that matters.

Please feel free to share this link, any advice, or any questions.  It's time for things to be an open book.  No more secrets.

Love/Hate Relationship

So I'm sitting here at my computer with every intention of doing some homework, and yet here I am blogging instead.  Odd how that happens.

This month so far has been incredibly busy.  Our choir, the USU Chamber Singers, just did a recording for two albums last week (which will be phenomenal, by the way) and that is exhausting work.  Unless you've recorded a professional quality CD before you don't realise just how many hours it takes to lay down a handful of tracks.  The end result will be totally worth it, but I was sick of doing take after take after take.

At this time, I'm finding myself less than two weeks away from my junior recital.  I've discovered with this, and some related events transpiring, that I have a deep love/hate relationship with planning events.  I absolutely love hosting any sort of event, be it a party, games, social, ceremony, what have you.  I get such a kick from being a host, but I also get a little incredibly stressed worrying that I may have forgotten something.  If you know me, you will agree that I always, and I do mean always, forget something - especially while travelling.  No matter what I feel like something has slipped my mind but I can't remember what it was.  That feeling increases ten-fold while planning things.  It's annoying.

So it is that, amid all this potential stress welling up inside me, I blog.  I don't actually have any new songs completed, but I'm nearly finished with a new choral piece.  I'm really getting tired of posting MIDI files on here, so if there is anyone reading willing to do some sight-reading and give a guy a hand I would be much obliged.  At the very least, I can share the lyrics that go with said song.  I really like them and they actually came from my heart (I hate writing lyrics because they always feel forced - not this time!).

If I should die tomorrow, please hold me one last time,

Let me feel your arms around me, your heart beat close to mine.

Do not fear for me, my love, mine is not the cause to mourn.

All I ask is that you live your life, our life, as bravely as before.

Walk the paths that we have trod, see the sun arise each day,

Hear the music now surround you, smell the breezes swift and gay.

Do not weep for me, my love, mine is not a fate to fear.

Promise me you'll savour every day for I will always be there.

That music, my music, will never leave your side,

For I've already claimed a spot as your angel and it is there I'll ever abide.

Nothing else incredibly important nor humourous to say, but I think that will suffice.  Happy Almost-the-End-of-the-Semester, everyone!

My Point is . . .

I'm sure a lot of people have looked at the title of my blog and wondered "What the heck is 'musique fierte?'"  It's a little snooty of me, but it's French for "Music Pride" - I chose French mainly because I decided that any English title sounded a bit mundane for music purposes.  :)

I chose "music pride" for two main reasons.  First: as I've mentioned before I've always wanted to write a musical.  I've attempted two other times, actually.  The first one was to be called "Nichola & Garredd" and I was writing it with a friend; that's the show the Overture I posted came from.  It never made it very far, but my second attempt fell apart even sooner since I hardly had any songs written before I gave up on it.  It was meant to be a story of a bunch of young single adults living and learning in Logan.  Clearly that worked.  It went by the wayside when I felt impressed to write something else, something I'm trying to work on now.

Which leads me to reason number two: this other musical is meant to address something I feel all music could, should, and more often than not does do and that is heal.  I think just about any music can be a source of healing for a person, but especially when it's written to that specific intent.

Today, since it's my birthday (yay!), I wanted to post something different.  These are "lyrics", for lack of a better term, for what I would like to be the opening number of the new show I'm working on.  I have no idea what the music will sound like, but these words put into words how I feel about life sometimes.

"Life is always full of surprises.
That's a common fact, but if there's one thing we need to learn about those surprises, it's that they can completely ruin our plans.
You know those plans, right?
You've had them since you were little.
Your parents have, too.
In school, they had you call those plans "Dreams".
They taught classes on Dreams.
They always started with the same questions.
'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
'Where do you want to go to school?'
'What do you want to study?'
'What do you want to find in a girl or boy?'
'Want'
It's always about 'want'.
They teach you that Wants and Dreams are the same.
Life has something else to say about that.
Life says that Dreams need to meet Reality.
Funny thing, Reality.
It's very unforgiving.
Before too long, Dreams find themselves in tatters on the floor.
Your dreams, usually.
But sometimes your parents' dreams, too.
That's when Pain rears its ugly head.
But I've found there's one thing - the only thing, really - that can ban Pain from Life and reshape Dreams, and that's
Pride.
Not pious, not ego-driven.
Just sustaining, courage-breathing, self- and God-accepting
Pride."

You, whomever is reading this, may have different ideas, but these thoughts get me through my day sometimes.  I want my music to have this sort of effect on people so that more people can find that "Pride" for themselves and realise that life is good and they can make it.  I guess that's kind of my whole point to this blog.  I'm not doing it for selfish reasons, that's not why I want my music out there, I want to make a difference in even a few lives and then it's all worth it.